apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
