WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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