Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize