I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
