I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
