I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
