Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
