i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ketchup is God's man juice
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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