my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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