My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
