I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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