So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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