I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
