mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
