Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
