You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's shark week go big or go home
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
