So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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