i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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