3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
