its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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