Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
