that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
