I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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