Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
