i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
