Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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