I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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