toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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