I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
