I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
