"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
