I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Me. At least after what I've been through.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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