Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
