What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
