I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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