I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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