I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
