just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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