Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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