Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
