u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
