Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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