Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
