In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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