what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
