pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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