I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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