I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize