having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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