If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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