i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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