He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
