My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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