He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
They took my balls.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
