a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
