plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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