I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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