he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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