Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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