allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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