As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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