found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
