I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize