He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
