she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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