Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
