You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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