i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We have started to decorate penises.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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