I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
