hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
