nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize